TSA Fails to Secure American Flights (satire)

by Stefan B. from SGTReport

Yesterday the media reported that a woman made it through not one, but two separate TSA checkpoints with a 3-inch knife in her carry-on bag. When questioned about the incident, a federal TSA spokesman, Mr. Howie Feltersnach, downplayed the security lapse and stated for the record that, “it is a lot easier to sneak banned items through a checkpoint unwittingly.” He continued on to say, “Somebody who is not actually aware of the knife in their carry-on bag is harder to catch, because they do not bother to hide it in a side-pocket, or a bodily orifice. Since we’re looking for criminals, we do not honestly focus on finding things that are in obvious, plain sight. If the knife had been, just for example, in her vagina, we would have found it for 100% certain. Now, I ask you, how many people would think to look in there for a knife, huh? Not many. You gotta be one step ahead of these tourists.”

“Do you mean terrorists?”

“No, I’m pretty certain, back when we set this whole Father-Homeland Security schmazzle up, shortly after 9/11, that George W said we had to protect the nation from tourists.”

“Are you certain that he didn’t say terrorists, but with a thick southern accent?”

“Well, why the hell would he have a southern accent? He’s from Connecticut. Idiot.” He continued, “No, we are quite certain that he said tourists. Why else do you think we’re grabbing everyone’s balls in here? Just look at that 95 year old cancer patient we took the diaper off of, or the six year old girl we felt up. How about that girl we had to pay off after exposing her breasts to everyone in the airport terminal? Any idiot knows they’re not terrorists, but our job is not to profile travellers, but rather to carefully screen for tourists. Luckily, there’s less and less tourists, as the economy collapses, and nobody can afford to fly.”

Yes, nobody is safe from the long arm of the TSA molestation machine. Even former Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld, was given a thorough scrotum examination last week. Despite once being the most powerful man in the United States military, TSA screeners were concerned that he might now be working for Al Qaeda, or perhaps they were hoping to find the $2 trillion dollars that he announced was missing the day before 9/11. Reports now suggest that he is possibly a closet homosexual, as he flipped back his neck-tie, and grinned through the entire process like it was the happy ending at an Asian massage parlour. Perhaps it was all a ‘P.R.’ stunt to keep the sheeple accepting this treatment a little longer.

If Donald Rumsfeld were a terrorist, how would a prostate exam from a Wal-Mart greeter with a badge help to figure that out?

When asked about the sexual assault allegations made by high-profile travellers, such as Miss USA, Susie Castillo, Mr. Feltersnach replied, “Well, I really think that whole case was blown WAY out of proportion by the media. I mean, what reasonable person doesn’t want to stick their hands in Miss USA’s pants? Just look at her. She’s a real knock-out. Zing. Zing. Our polls actually demonstrate that a whopping 73% of Americans want to put their hands in Miss USA’s underwear. That’s an amazing number. I mean the remaining 27% are almost all strictly heterosexual females, but just about everyone else in the country voted yes to that question. I think, in a democratic country, we all agree that we need to sometimes give up some of our individual rights to help serve society as a whole.”

When asked how sticking hands in Miss USA’s underwear will “serve society as a whole”, Feltersnach replied, “Well, it’s really also about safety. She might have had a knife hidden in there, and we’re not really focusing on carry-on baggage as much as we use to, if you’ve been reading the news.”

A national advocacy group, calling themselves Vigilance Against Groping In National Airports (VAGINA), said that this latest comment from TSA officials shows just out-of-touch the agency has become with the issue of personal privacy. A VAGINA spokeswoman replied to our request for comment stating, “They need to understand that we don’t appreciate being touched, almost ever, especially by total strangers, and it’s especially disturbing that the agents use the same rubber gloves for every encounter. That’s just dirty.”

We can now report that this incident with the 3-inch knife and the carry-on bag is not the only questionable item that has been successfully snuck past TSA agents. Earlier this month, somebody left a stun gun on a JetBlue flight. When asked how the stun gun possibly got on the flight, TSA officials replied, “We’re not certain just yet. It’s clearly too large to fit in a vagina, but I’m also pretty certain we had a good look at every vagina on that flight, so we would have found it, and they must have used another method. The weapon may just have been in plain sight, so we didn’t see it.”

A national security group contracted by the government to test TSA security measures says that TSA agents routinely fail to identify weapons and other suspicious or illegal items. “Oh yeah, we’ve snuck through with knives, explosives, a can of gasoline, stun guns, tasers, a few hand guns, and even a sub machine gun one time.” The agent, speaking on condition on anonymity, continued, “and that’s just the small stuff. Once that got boring, you wouldn’t believe some of the stuff we snuck past TSA agents on a dare. One of my co-workers actually got an anti-aircraft missile launcher past the agent, and on to a flight. He told the TSA guy that it was a Kuwaiti falafel iron. The agent let it right on through. We didn’t think we could ever top that one, but we did. One of our guys in San Diego kidnapped Justin Beiber, tied him up, shaved his head, spray-painted him bright green, and stuffed him in a carry-on bag. The TSA agent checked Beiber’s vagina for knives, but after that, he cleared the carry-on for flight, no questions asked. We were completely blown away on that one. I mean, it seems that just about anything can be snuck past security, just so long as you don’t accidently stash it in a vagina. That’s the number one way to get caught.”

All of this must leave travellers wondering if our travel safety really belongs in the hands of government bureaucrats at all. Welcome to our Brave New World. If you can’t laugh, you’ll cry.

Stefan B.

We are all in the mess together ~SGTreport.com

Ron Paul: The TSA is NOT Above the Law


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